Sunday, November 30, 2003
I hate you so much right now
I don't think you'll be reading this since you don't seem to have enough space in your heart to make room for me. Odd though because given the circumstances, we should be as close as close could be. But then again, I've grown accustomed to it. I've known you for a lifetime and the times that you've actually shown me love and compassion are rare and fleeting.
Call me a bitch. Call me uptight. Call me boring. Gloat about your superiority and my inferiority and bask in the admiration of our relatives. And how can you question why I have an inferiority complex when you are always the one putting me down.
Do you not think that I have to live with this damned feeling that I will never be adequate enough to compete with you? How do you think it feels when you are labelled as the pretty and smart one - the one who will always have boys trailing after her and most likely to be successful and me the motherly one - the one who loves kids? Is that enough to soothe my wounded pride?
Yes, I am unlike you in so many ways. I cannot boast superior intelligence, I cannot say I am prettier, I cannot say I am more popular among the boys. Others have tried to console me by pointing out attributes in me that you do not have. I am more motherly, I have more compassion, kids love me more. But so what? As you have pointed out again and again, what use are these qualities? They will not help me in the working world. They will not help me achieve acadamic excellence.
What else do I have that could possibly help me to step out from under your shadow?
I do not know why I allow myself to feel hurt even though I've received this same harsh, callous treatment from you for the past sixteen years. I do not know why I still love you very much. I do not know what I did to deserve this from you when I have been bending over double to be civil to you. Did I not massage your back when you complained of aches and pains, did I not shampoo your hair because it was damaged and because I knew you loved having your head massaged?
These acts of love might not be enough for you but it is the way I show my sisterly love.
I am disowning you as of this moment. From now on, I have only a brother.
I don't think you'll be reading this since you don't seem to have enough space in your heart to make room for me. Odd though because given the circumstances, we should be as close as close could be. But then again, I've grown accustomed to it. I've known you for a lifetime and the times that you've actually shown me love and compassion are rare and fleeting.
Call me a bitch. Call me uptight. Call me boring. Gloat about your superiority and my inferiority and bask in the admiration of our relatives. And how can you question why I have an inferiority complex when you are always the one putting me down.
Do you not think that I have to live with this damned feeling that I will never be adequate enough to compete with you? How do you think it feels when you are labelled as the pretty and smart one - the one who will always have boys trailing after her and most likely to be successful and me the motherly one - the one who loves kids? Is that enough to soothe my wounded pride?
Yes, I am unlike you in so many ways. I cannot boast superior intelligence, I cannot say I am prettier, I cannot say I am more popular among the boys. Others have tried to console me by pointing out attributes in me that you do not have. I am more motherly, I have more compassion, kids love me more. But so what? As you have pointed out again and again, what use are these qualities? They will not help me in the working world. They will not help me achieve acadamic excellence.
What else do I have that could possibly help me to step out from under your shadow?
I do not know why I allow myself to feel hurt even though I've received this same harsh, callous treatment from you for the past sixteen years. I do not know why I still love you very much. I do not know what I did to deserve this from you when I have been bending over double to be civil to you. Did I not massage your back when you complained of aches and pains, did I not shampoo your hair because it was damaged and because I knew you loved having your head massaged?
These acts of love might not be enough for you but it is the way I show my sisterly love.
I am disowning you as of this moment. From now on, I have only a brother.
Friday, November 28, 2003
Fuck you Blogger. That was a fucking long entry and you just screwed it up and deleted my work. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Saturday, November 22, 2003
A New Beginning
Hear that? Its the sound of my long lost freedom, beckoning me to come forth and reclaim it. Boy, it feels good to finally be free of exam stress and whatever burdens that the MOE decided to impose on us innocent sixteen year olds.
By the way, how do you guys like my new template? I'm no photoshop prodigy or html genius but I can proudly say I did it myself. Of course, any comments or suggestions will be greatly appreciated. But please, be nice. I have a fragile ego.
If you wanna stay on my good side, do not ask me how my O levels went. I am tired of hearing people ask about it and it is over and done with. I can only leave it up to Him at this point. Besides, you know me and my paranoid tendencies. If I say its easy, He might decide to punish me for being arrogant and give me bad marks. And if I say its difficult, He might punish me for not having faith in him and still give me bad marks. Okay, enough Nadiah, you're gonna stress yourself out again. Breathe in, breathe out...
Hear that? Its the sound of my long lost freedom, beckoning me to come forth and reclaim it. Boy, it feels good to finally be free of exam stress and whatever burdens that the MOE decided to impose on us innocent sixteen year olds.
By the way, how do you guys like my new template? I'm no photoshop prodigy or html genius but I can proudly say I did it myself. Of course, any comments or suggestions will be greatly appreciated. But please, be nice. I have a fragile ego.
If you wanna stay on my good side, do not ask me how my O levels went. I am tired of hearing people ask about it and it is over and done with. I can only leave it up to Him at this point. Besides, you know me and my paranoid tendencies. If I say its easy, He might decide to punish me for being arrogant and give me bad marks. And if I say its difficult, He might punish me for not having faith in him and still give me bad marks. Okay, enough Nadiah, you're gonna stress yourself out again. Breathe in, breathe out...